Riding in the East Coast : Part 1

Roller blading, or blading or inline skating or whatever.

The activity that makes bodybuilding legitimate.

Here is a disclaimer, For all those that own a pair of roller blades, click away now, simply just to get the hell out of here. I know some of my close friends own a pair of these ski/corrective footwear looking devices. so to be fair stop reading now.

Now for the rest of you, i offer you this riddle.

“ What is the most preposterously large road hogging car that one could buy, that would offend everyone else on the road by the sheer size/ presence of it?”

Rolls Royce Phantom? yes. Range Rover, perhaps.

so “ what takes up more road width than either of these leviathans... on a cycle track offending everyone near and far?”

Yeeeas... a fucking roller blader or roller bladder as i would now call them. except where both of these cars shout “ i have arrived in life” moving about on a pair of roller bladders does nothing but reinforce your lack of money, style and awareness of the world in general.

No i cannot be moderate about this issue because essentially roller bladdering is just fucking awful. it looks awful, is performed by awful looking people and is extremely inconsiderate in every imaginable way.

You see, roller bladdering is awful for the simple reason that supports my argument that it cannot be ever considered a sport. You see sport is not about timing, or about achievement. Yes some might tell you so, but what ever the case, at the core of it, sport is sport because it is Sexy, and all sport has an element of Sex in it. Even if it does not lie in the actual performance of the athlete, it would at least have some sexy equipment. The world is a twisted and perverted place, and for everyone, there is a sport.

And then, out in the cold there are roller bladders.

Roller bladdering has to be the first activity that i can think of ever that is totally and utterly devoid of any sex whatsoever. let’s take some seemingly pointless activities and review them from this point.

Rugby might be a sport played by twats, but when you do see a good team in action, the smooth play is quite lovely to watch and if that does not mean anything at least there is never a shortage of slappers for the players to lay. Judo , the poor cousin of all martial arts at least looks flowing and brilliant in the hands of the very best and in the hands of the very worst at least the gi makes you think you are a fighting hero. Synchronized swimming might smack of a pack of retarded polar bears in the singapore zoo, but at least the participants are in skimpy clothing. Diving? not only do you have to have a six pack, at least there is the thrill of smacking your head on the driving board at the very highest competitive level. Lots of bouncing tits in tennis these days, ( yes both men’s and women’s ) and at least even chess has an ultimate point of killing. A brief but well thought out list, I think you can see my point.

So what has roller bladdering got going for it? I’m thinking....as i’ve managed to give other sports their raison d'etre. ( 5 minutes have passed... 10....2 hours.... 4 days..) see the list is comprehensively empty.

So what is wrong with it.?

Bladdering is merciless. IF you are new, you are guaranteed to look like a berk, no getting away from it. All people who start roller bladdering look like they are doing the “ egyptian” on ice, totally horrendous. But if that is already terrible, it is when skaters gain that smidgen of confidence and get into aggressive postures that the world is a poorer place. Cycling thru the park, I felt sorry for the beginners who all looked terrified, but my greatest resentment was reserved for the experienced ones, taking up to 4 lanes in a 2 lane cycle track, these repulsive individuals think they are the dogs bollocks with that irritating , hands behind their backs, bent over position with faces bearing that delusional look that suggests that they think that they are the quickest thing on 8 wheels. In reality, they are as sophisticated looking like the hunch back of Notre Dame except moving slightly quicker than a needle in a haystack.

But even if that is the case, at least with all other sports, if the participant is crap, at least the equipment makes up for it. Well not so in roller bladdering I’m afraid. You see at least if you cycle, you could be a fat rich kid with the bling-est bike on the block and people will still want to know you then slag you off behind you back. and that is alright because the ones that are slagging you off are too poor to have a cool bike. And that is the key issue, the object of fascination is the bike. a value has been transfered to a 3rd object , that at its very best a bike is a lovely piece of mechanical art, a legitimate point of desire.
But bladders? bladders? to covert a pair of blades only brings to mind Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda, and all the perversion that goes with it.

What could bladders talk about? my ball bearings are smooth as...? my speckled purple finish is da bomb? . It is all a mess, the foot wear is crap and well the various braces and guards and helmet make you look as if disaster has struck even before a wheel has turned.

But the deal breaker is a distinct lack of performance. As i rejoined the cycle track after stopping off at Micky Ds for a coke light, a 4ft 5 inch tall plump woman skated right into my path and began furiously pumping away, taking up all the space between the right edge of the cycle track and the northern coasts of indonesia. with all the wiggling that was going on, i just glideded behind her to see what meaningful progress she could make. After 3 hours and 50m covered, the sight of her rear proved too much for me and i stopped gliding and effortless sailed past with a quarter turn of my crank, all while i gently sipped on my medium sized soft drink. No, cycling is not as fast as driving, but in an hour i pleasantly rode from Fort road all the way to Tanah Merah and back. and that is certainly not a bad compromise. But for that bladder, by the time she reaches home, she just might find that she is eligible for senior citizens rates at the cinema.

But in truth, why would a Bladder not ever reach anywhere, ever, at all? Simple. Because the activity dictates it. No Bladdering is pointless because the kinds of people that participate are ...urm of a type. Let;s put it this way, group a bladders will never get any where because they have the tendency to stop every 50m, sit under a tree and belt out praise and worship songs accompanied by a guitar that has been craftily hidden down the left boot/shoot/bladder of the worship leader. If not, the unreligeous ones go to the extreme end of the spectrum, and some crazy amphetamine fueled member of the pack will whip out 5 coloured plastic cups and they all get down with some mad stunt work, skating backwards while getting all pretzeld’... urgh.... how utterly ridiculous.

Even if i found it in my heart of hearts to over look all these problems, my final encounter of the evening with a pack of bladders brought the whole situation to a head. Bladdering smacks of “ family bonding” government sanctioned healthy activity, grass rootedness, and it seems that bladdering nirvana at 9 pm on a wednesday evening in the far reaches of the East Coast park is getting together in matching team outfits and bladder... in sequential cadence. As i approached this heaving mess head on, call the taste police because despite the best efforts of all concerned to look spectacular, these losers looked like they were disastrously multi - generational - spooning each other while heading in different directions.

I absolutely rest my case.

god dammit even my inbuilt spell checker does not have the word bladdering. if it ain’t in the dictionary, it ain’t anywhere.


Leeeeeeeeeave it!