Top Tips for People who run/jog out of guilt
Okay this is not one of those self deprecating posts loaded with irony. But it could be. You see i am a stout and sometimes ungainly person. But I also think that i am not stout or ungainly. at all. so when i have a vague feeling of something that has to do with fitness and taking charge of my health, i do what men instinctively do. I go running.
Now people express concern when i tell them that i run... if not the conversation usually lapses into momentary silence, a slight clearing of the throat, i sometimes detect a glazing over of the eyes of the person that i am speaking to...okay granted. So some qualifications:
1. I don't know what technically counts as running, so i think i jog. and jogging, in my eyes does not concern itself with anything as vulgar as speed. look at the graphic of the word - jog-. see "j" is a man with flat feet, "o" means fat/stout/round and "g" feels kinda bouncy no? So if you run then you might mean that you jog... which is like bouncing along. So if you bounce, then ... that's str8 hip-hop! Job done!
2. Music- you need music , so if you slap your sweaty self into a passing rollerblader or dawdling person, then you can shrug it off and just.. you know blame the music.
3. Running exposes your gait. if you walk funny then you probably look totally stupid running. So run at night. and in the shadows.
4. But don't get scared of your shadow! The One thing that most inexperienced runners have to deal with is the sudden-ness of their animated shadow that is cast on the path as they pass a street lamp. Yes you do look like that! Boowah!
5. Stop if you feel tired. You must trust yourself.
6. Try to select something nice to run in. Gone are the days where you can wear an old tee shirt and run in some bad bad shorts. better cut running tops and shorts are out on sale. if you look daft running , bad running clothes only compound the problem irretrievably. Bouncing + nice clothes... Distracted! Bouncing + bad outfit.... Dissected! Oh . but skimpy running shorts are very subjective... and if you have found the advice here useful so far then you really are not a candidate for skimpy running shorts.
7. And finally - Run with your eyes half closed. 2 main benefits: 1. you can pretend that people don't see you... in the shadows.. at night. 2. Somehow the cutting down of your sensory inputs means that you can focus on the fact that your legs are doing the bouncing thing, and for a few minutes, it feels like you are not running at all, kind of like an out of body experience.... until you slam straight into a dog... which nearly happened on my first attempt.
So there you have it.... a guide to running for some people.
Exodus!
Now people express concern when i tell them that i run... if not the conversation usually lapses into momentary silence, a slight clearing of the throat, i sometimes detect a glazing over of the eyes of the person that i am speaking to...okay granted. So some qualifications:
1. I don't know what technically counts as running, so i think i jog. and jogging, in my eyes does not concern itself with anything as vulgar as speed. look at the graphic of the word - jog-. see "j" is a man with flat feet, "o" means fat/stout/round and "g" feels kinda bouncy no? So if you run then you might mean that you jog... which is like bouncing along. So if you bounce, then ... that's str8 hip-hop! Job done!
2. Music- you need music , so if you slap your sweaty self into a passing rollerblader or dawdling person, then you can shrug it off and just.. you know blame the music.
3. Running exposes your gait. if you walk funny then you probably look totally stupid running. So run at night. and in the shadows.
4. But don't get scared of your shadow! The One thing that most inexperienced runners have to deal with is the sudden-ness of their animated shadow that is cast on the path as they pass a street lamp. Yes you do look like that! Boowah!
5. Stop if you feel tired. You must trust yourself.
6. Try to select something nice to run in. Gone are the days where you can wear an old tee shirt and run in some bad bad shorts. better cut running tops and shorts are out on sale. if you look daft running , bad running clothes only compound the problem irretrievably. Bouncing + nice clothes... Distracted! Bouncing + bad outfit.... Dissected! Oh . but skimpy running shorts are very subjective... and if you have found the advice here useful so far then you really are not a candidate for skimpy running shorts.
7. And finally - Run with your eyes half closed. 2 main benefits: 1. you can pretend that people don't see you... in the shadows.. at night. 2. Somehow the cutting down of your sensory inputs means that you can focus on the fact that your legs are doing the bouncing thing, and for a few minutes, it feels like you are not running at all, kind of like an out of body experience.... until you slam straight into a dog... which nearly happened on my first attempt.
So there you have it.... a guide to running for some people.
Exodus!
posted by Synth at 9:00 AM
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